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This isn’t going to be a pleasant blog. Nor will it carry an overall message of positivity or hope for better mental health. I have no advice. It will instead describe incredible pain, despair, fear, anger, and hopelessness. I will detail my experience in the mental health system and it won’t necessarily be organized, chronological,…
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Oh my GOD. OH MY GOD. I am halfway through my most intense class yet, thank god it’s the only one I’m taking this quarter. I am BROKE. I spent all my money on grad school and a cruise. As soon as this class ends, I leave on an Alaskan adventure – first the land…
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I still hate driving by the mental hospital. I have no choice, it is right there at a nexus of roads so no matter what route I take, I have to go by it. Sometimes it’s enough to ruin my night. Or at least set me off into a tailspin of terrible thoughts and memories.…
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May 13, Wednesday, was my last show and despite my limited practice for Part of that World, I did so much better than I was anticipating! I could feel it while it was happening. Marry A’botumn, our show host (I love that drag name) had an important announcement for us too. Instead of just the…
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Damn near inspiring – the profound effects of my own mind at war with itself. Jean Paul Sartre said life is an unwelcome interruption to a peaceful nonexistence. I really feel that sometimes. No voices this time, just turmoil. I have a lot of thoughts. They’re so fast. A lot on my mind. I did…
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My coworker: “the world is not ending.” Me: “but it is though…” I’ve been dealing with nagging anxiety and irritable depression. Even here at work, I got snappy and pissed off about a stupid mistake. I tried really hard to avoid that mistake in the first place. Sort of blew up. I was so frustrated…
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Some days, the PTSD is strong. My mind perseverates on trauma, memories, pain. Pain I’ve worked really hard to work through, to come to terms with. But sometimes it hurts all over again. Maybe it’s because I saw the psych nurse practitioner who manages my meds. I told him I can’t even miss a day,…
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I can’t think of what to sing for the next show! There is one, a Muse song, I can use for back up. But I still need another number, something! I scour my playlists for the right one. I have to focus on things like music and dancing and going out to perform in drag…
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I downgraded…a low mood post theater singing…hard to concentrate, even harder to write. Tormented by rapid thoughts of all the things I fear and all the fears everyone else has too. This is what a dying empire looks like. I am better now. I got caught up on my meds. I had missed a couple…
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My photographer got a lot of pics but only a few are worthy, because I am not photogenic! When it came to the friendly competition – most tips wins! – I got second place.
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In July 2024, I was violently detained and hospitalized for suicide and later, completed an Intensive Outpatient mental health program as the year ended. I remember that during the program, I was quite anxious about the upcoming holidays because I was not living in my house. Every day, I wrote here and in a journal,…
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Documenting my journey through the mental health system 